Intrastate

Standstill traffic for an interstate addict
Thoughts building up, smoke collecting in my attic
automatic,
Way i feel never changes,
Use [it] like a lazy susan
crises in circles
Till they heal [to ]conclusions
My brain’s [main] trait is its contusions

Driving into darkness
Lived on 61 for a summer
or three, memories fade and blend together
Fuzzy fields of heather, sleepin cows and tractors

Oil irrigation, tickets in tunica
Saw her every weekend to the tune of a
Two hour drive, felt so alive when i was with her

You’re in my mind like a hive of bees
Aint no peace treaties that can appease your unpoliced state
It’s the ultimate fate
Bounce around in your skull, (create)
an alternate reality
That falters when i dare to be
Dominant about my own wishes
‘Stead of [always] givin’

Can tell from your [timeline] that things aint [go right]
Wasted me for no reason makin symbolic changes
Think life is like a movie that’s the danger
And it’s stranger when i ask for you to listen to me
You say i talk too much that there’s other stuff
Want [some more] cat, I say hell no, that’s not good enough.

Get rejected and you’re plannin
Instead of understandin
Not gettin your way just gets you schemin
to manipulate, Im part of your machine and,
Been complicit to this illness

Cant believe you cant feel this,
My [noise] against yours, i exist
I’m not part of a monologue or narrative
I’m real,

Imperative you realize I don’t just enable
Wanna give stability
But my ability is apparently weak
So please forgive
Olivia was right about some things, you can be vampiric
Want my blood but not coughed up and that’s satirical
Or maybe disrespectful
This is your youth,
don’t waste it on me

Leave it solitary
And confined
Forgin’ matter and facts, as a matter of fact
Im dissolving slowly
And rapidly in real time
Climbin into pits of hell like i’ve got months to burn
Or thoughts to confront 
I said we’ll get through this, you said court adjourned

Bet you regret that with the wind and lack of friends
Blowin on your actuality
Your shoulders cold, frosted to the threshold
Of lines
Unchangeably crossed now uncontrolled and undefined
Signed on the finely dotted line of independence did you want it like that?
Or were you fuckin around
didnt realize I’m more than a doormat?

Perfect attendance,
Of every grievance every fiendish friend
Who stabbed you in the back and now my spine hurts,
In the front row every bar show
the motion
to support a ocean that cant handle
Direct conversation or untangle
Communications long forsaken
I’m a wave and
You’re an angel
Can do no wrong, make no mistakes
Says your family, cuz they don’t have a stake
If your inspiration runs out
Capillaries flood with self-doubt
That’s your early twenties
It’s not that you’re an aries
It’s your human condition

I scapelize you with precision
Tried to be gracious, but my grey matter bleeds
And weed brings out the thoughts
And particles I haven’t washed the crease off

Cars movin inch by inch ahead

My discretion regresses
Chainsmoke cigarettes confess to these details
Voice like a chalkboard slept on a bed of nails
Direction is amorphous and sloppy
If I had as many words as thoughts
I woulda sought my lost thesaurus
But I’m foggy

And frankly,
My self-esteem is shaken daily
Or else stirred into a frenzy
As I act friendly flirtin to exhaustion
God I hope I’m let down gently
By the winner of my dignity’s auction

Appeal to my ego
And you’ll be open up emotions like a faucet
Here to take in your advantage
Standard contract gives ownership
I’m not talking marriage,
But if you wanna babysit this damaged orphan
I’ll forfeit to your management, it’s that simple
Yes my psyche’s that fragile
No coincidence you can fit my confidence inside a pimple

Check this reflection dozen times daily
Doesn’t matter how I look
Dysmorphia is a hell of a drug
Arms can’t ge t big enough but my gut can,
Can’t tolerate or witness
Line of scrimmage to a healthy weight
Gotta new sickness
Where my image and self-worth are conflated
So basic debatin’ the merits of my body’s landscape
Brain’s gettin hit with grenades till i’m feral

Never felt so broken
Or more like a burden
When my hidden pre-existin issues broke the surface

like I can’t fuck away the memory of your embrace
Or face the fact your absence has retracted my trust
Nothing hurts me more than unrequited lust

Discussed and judged by my expended friends
Disgusting
I’m worried my bad habits encrusting my personality
At what point do my actions become myself
Am I a slave to vitality,
Am I gonna combust?

Ambulance drives by side mirror on the shoulder Never been clearer than this moment
Words foamin at my mouth like im rabid
Broke my knuckle punchin the steering wheel
All the acid in the world aint gonna make me feel better
If I don’t stop chasin pleasure

Delay validation but there’s pressure
Take a vacation from codependency
Nah, I barely see a reason
Driftin round in quarantine
Cannibalize my social scene
Tis the season

Traffic moves again
Can accelerate but is that recommend?
I’m used to crawling forward,
Mostly through glass, cuz I like torture
Or stayin stationary when I’m cornered
Friends waitin for me and I’m a slave to order
So I guess I’m back to merging into normalcy
Purgin all the negativity and distrust
into dormancy
Leave it all in dust
Got a long drive ahead yet
Matchin pace with fellow cars threatenin debasement
Cuz I’m finally part of the rat race,
Should give me time to heal abrasions
Practice golden rules and social patience
Or overdose on hopeful ibuprofens
Unloading omens from shallow clouds
Unfolding like explosions
While I’m rollin on this state
It’s ambrosia, being in motion
Dont know where I’m going
or If I’ll overcome
But I can hardly wait for the next commotion